This was not the blog post I was supposed to write today. There are no cute pictures or well thought
out quotes to go along with this entry. I haven’t written in quite some time. I’ve had ideas simmering for months but a lack of direction left me unmotivated. Then today out of nowhere, as if my computer had a mind of its own, these words begged to be written.
Somehow I thought that once all my kids were in school my life would be productive, and I’d finally be able to accomplish some long-overdue tasks. What happened in reality is that I took on any task that was asked of me, and I found myself stripped of ambition or direction, desperately needing rest but unsure of how to get it.
A wise dear friend, who knows how much I love a well thought out plan, told me to stop focusing on the purpose of every aspect of my life and instead focus on the needs of each day. This sounded so refreshing to me. For a brief moment, I loosened my grip on the future.
This week’s theme in my Bible study was on glorifying God. Glorifying God sounds so happy and fulfilling, but instead, I found myself burdened and weighed down. I started being aware of how selfish I am. When faced with questions about whether I desire God’s glory or my own, whether my greatest consideration in every undertaking is God’s glory, I had to shut my book. These thoughts overwhelmed me. I’m trying to focus on the needs of each day! I’m trying to exercise while my five-year-old is sprawled out across the treadmill telling me, “No” for the umpteenth time today. I’m dealing with puberty, homework, learning disabilities, and laundry. I’m breaking up wrestling matches that have turned violent. I’m reminding everyone to take a shower and to use soap this time. How in the world do I have the energy to figure out if the volume I’m using to discipline my children is glorifying God? I thought that focusing on the needs of each day was supposed to lighten my load.
I dropped to my knees and cried out to God. I’m not sure what direction I thought the prayer was headed in, but I needed to share my rawness with my Savior. I don’t know the words that I said, but I know the response I received. In the quietness of my empty house, God brought the words of Zechariah 4:6 to my mind. “‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.”
It never ceases to amaze me how God’s Word cuts straight to the heart. No one has ever accused me of being lazy. If sheer determination is the answer, I’m your girl. I will use my strength and skill, then borrow the skillset from everyone in close proximity to accomplish my goals. However, not all goals are accomplished by my strength. I think that is why I have been struggling so much in this season of life. I have exhausted all of my strength. I am realizing there is one source I haven’t yet exhausted.
“The Lord will always lead you, satisfy you in a parched land, and strengthen your bones. You will be like a watered garden and like a spring whose waters never run dry." Isaiah 58:11
God does not expose a need without providing a means to meet it. I am called to glorify God, but it is not by my might or power that will get the job done. In fact, I’m incapable of glorifying God on my own. There is a source that will never run dry and I am not that source. The only thing that is required of me, my only job to fulfill, is to come and be filled by the stream of Living Water.